It’s OK To Not Be OK

At one point or another as a little boy you are told, “Get over it.” These three words you wouldn’t think could do much damage, but deep inside they deteriorate a man’s ability to trust his feelings. Feelings are one thing, but trusting your health is a whole other bag of worms. What do you do when you can’t trust your health or feelings? This is a deck of cards presented to many men when they are diagnosed with cancer.  

By the time I got my cancer diagnosis at 32 years of age, I had been seeing a therapist monthly for almost four years. The loss of my mom, coupled with the pandemic and having a spouse who was on the front lines being an ICU nurse did a lot to both of us. I decided to start seeing someone. I wasn’t sure what I would “get” out of it, or better, I wasn’t sure if the person on the other side of the room would truly care about any of my problems. What came in the coming years was a better understanding of myself and the ability to admit, it’s OK to not be OK.  

“What does all of this have to do with a cancer diagnosis?” you might ask. Well, with a cancer diagnosis you give up the ability to ignore the “what if,” because the “what if” is happening to you. I struggle the most with something called “catastrophizing.” This is a fancy way of saying, “I always expect the worst to happen, no matter what is in front of me. I throw logic out of the window for my good friend, anxiety.” Couple that with a cancer diagnosis, and BOOM, you have a recipe for disaster.  

See, cancer, we can all agree, sucks for a variety of health reasons, but I’m here to tell you, the mental aspect of it can be just as bad, if not worse. You lose your ability to trust your body. The one body you were given for some reason or another has “betrayed” you.  

Now what?  

A lot of people will take refuge in groups, me included. Misery enjoys company, after all, doesn’t it? I noticed something in most of the groups I joined. There were people from all walks of life telling their stories, asking questions, venting and much more. You know, the type of thing you expect from a support group. There was one thing lacking though, men … This isn’t to say there were NO men. In fact, there were some men really getting to the core of their feelings. However, it takes just one glance at most support groups, both online and in person, to see that the tide shifts heavily toward women. Why is that? I have some thoughts, and I’m sure some of you reading this do too. 

For the most part, men for a long time were taught to simply “suck it up.” Stop the whining and complaining, “or else.” As time has passed, we have seen this sentiment lessen, in my opinion, for the better. However, we are now seeing the disaster this has produced in millions of men that aren’t sure how to deal with their feelings. We can see this take root in various aspects of everyday life, in relationships, and friendships as well. When a “problem” arises in a man’s life, you will see one of three routes taken usually: 

• The do-nothing approach — which we all likely know too well. This leads to distress, anger, depression, anxiety and much more. You get the drift. 

• The do-something approach — this is when a problem arises when the man does have some form of healthy learned behaviors, and choses to “do something.” This could be talking it out with friends, a therapist, spouse, etc. 

• The in-between — this is as it sounds, is a mixture of the two, but can still present unhealthy habits for men to cope with their feelings. (I believe more men are here than we think.) 

Prior to seeing my therapist, I would say I was a mixture of one and three. This led to unhealthy habits in the form of drinking, keeping feelings in and various other “outlets.” This isn’t to frown on a nice cold alcoholic beverage either, but for many men, there is a disconnect with enjoying one and depending on 10.  

Fast forward to early December 2023. I found myself waiting to speak to my doctor about a CT he ordered due to concerning symptoms I was having. He said, “Sid, you have an approximately 11 centimeter mass on your left kidney. It’s likely something called clear cell renal carcinoma.” Better known as kidney cancer. A flood of “what ifs” pop into my head, and to make matters worse, Rachel, my amazing wife, who is a nurse practitioner, wasn’t there in person but on FaceTime due to her having to work. I felt alone, cold, sad, depressed, and a sudden rush of emotions flooded my thoughts.  

I called one of my good buddies right after who isn’t local, but we speak daily. He was basically with me during this whole ordeal from my onset of symptoms to finding out I likely had kidney cancer. I turned to a friend to release some of these emotions. I turned to my wife as well, who is nothing short of amazing. While stressful for both of us, she soon allowed me space to speak about my fears. With her background she knew exactly how to navigate a lot of the medical nuances I wasn’t sure about. I turned to many groups online and found refuge with patients, caregivers and advocates alike. I knew more than anything that I wanted to learn what I could as fast as I could about this stupid mass in me.  

While scouring social media and the internet, I found some awesome people who I will forever be grateful for. They allowed me space to talk about my feelings and at no time made me feel uncomfortable sharing. Men must feel comfortable sharing, or they won’t share. Allowing this open space is vital to men across the board. I don’t think the issue is there’s “no space” for men to share. I think the issue is men just aren’t comfortable with sharing. I have found the men that do open up about their feelings are nothing short of exceptional, and I have met some outstanding men that have truly shaped the way I view the way I share my own cancer experience.  

See, this isn’t just a man issue, but a society issue. We must allow men to open up about their feelings. If you are reading this and don’t believe that we are lacking men speaking out in the cancer community, I encourage you to check out any of the hundreds of cancer support groups online or in person. You will find most people posting (patients/caregivers) are women. As I said earlier, this isn’t to complain about that fact. This essay isn’t stating that NO men talk about their feelings. However, there is a lack, and we must address this.  

How do we do this?  

Allow room for men to speak without judgment about how “manly” they are. This is the biggest issue in the way. Men don’t want to be seen as “weak” or “bothering” someone, especially strangers they don’t know online. Secondly, we need to continue to see more men encourage this open space! If I hadn’t seen the select few men I saw when I was first diagnosed, I’m not sure if I would’ve felt as compelled to share my story within groups. As simple as it sounds, men want to see other men share; it’s a domino effect. It’s such a freeing feeling that you have when you genuinely believe you can share your feelings and share without the fear of repercussion or judgment.  

The “ask” to allow men to be open about their feelings, isn’t a big ask in my opinion. Sure, that’s half the battle. The other half is men coming forward to speak about their feelings/fears. If, however, men see there’s an open and willing space, my belief is eventually they will take to that idea. I know I did, and I’m sure many will.  

If you have made it this far into this essay, I’m assuming you have been touched by cancer, or have someone in your life you care about who’s a man, or both. Although I might’ve made it seem like it’s a simple thing to do, it’s not. Many men will continue to not speak about their feelings and feel helpless. We can change that narrative though. Changing a narrative doesn’t happen overnight, but over countless days, months and years. It’s the snowball effect in action. My hope is that even if ONE person reads this story and decides to open up or allows their friend to open up, it makes a difference. I believe we owe this to ourselves as a society. Opening an avenue for men to openly speak about their feelings won’t just benefit them, but their possible treatment. It will also benefit countless families and quite possibility could build back broken relationships. I still don’t have all the answers on how to navigate a cancer diagnosis, but I do know one thing.  

It’s OK to not be OK.